Why Jesus Lost the Nomination
Actually, it seems to be forgotten that Jesus once ran for President, and the result was a fiasco. Since the first plank of his platform was "Love your enemies," he had no choice but to seek the nomination of both parties at the same time, promising to merge the two into one. Republicans and Democrats were brought up short by the idea. Jesus called it a win-win situation for them, given the enormous savings in campaign costs. Pollsters were bothered by Jesus's claim that he knew how the election would turn out in advance. It seems that his Father, who has a finger in everything, had tipped him off.
As it turns out, Jesus's other planks caused even more problems on the bumpy road to the nomination. The second one was "Money is at the root of all evil." This forced his campaign to refuse contributions from lobbyists and special interest groups. For a long time Jesus hadn't been returning phone calls from K Street -- something to do with his third plank, "Resist not evil." On the other hand, this plank earned him unexpected popularity because of its enormous tax benefits. A country that doesn't resist evil would not wage war and therefore had no need for the Pentagon or the military-industrial complex. Jesus pointed out that the cost of a few Stealth bombers could finance all the symphony orchestras and day care centers in the country. Contented babies would have time for Mozart. Democrats liked the proposition better than Republicans, which cynics attributed to the higher birth rate among Democrats. (Behind his back the Republican smear machine started the rumor that Jesus was against sex and would abolish births altogether.)
What finally sank the "Audacity of Salvation" campaign, however, was Jesus's policy about rendering unto Caesar what is Caesar's. This was widely interpreted as a coded way of giving Congress a substantial pay raise if Jesus was elected. But when close reading revealed that he also wanted to render unto God what is God's, enthusiasm quickly soured. Democrats, always the party of intellectuals, went back to reading Dostoevsky's "The Grand Inquisitor," while Republicans, eager to build upon the Bush administration's impeccable civil liberties record, nominated an actual inquisitor. Jesus shrugged it all off as God's will. He has promised to return again and run under the slogan, "Repent ye, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand." Talk about an insurgent candidate.